Dear Noah - 64 Weeks

Dear Noah,

We're under two weeks away from your second Christmas! I'm excited for you. This is going to be super fun!

We've already went to visit Santa. One Saturday morning, Dad and I dressed you in my favourite overall outfit - with a red shirt and socks - and took you to Breakfast With Santa. We were told it would be best to visit Santa before we ate breakfast. There was no line-up, so we walked over, and I plopped you on his lap. And you instantly looked terrorized and then started to cry. It was funny, only because it was expected - I've yet to know a child who DOESN'T cry when he encountered Santa at your age. You spent the rest of the breakfast happily running around, pushing empty chairs and "meeting" other little people. When it was time to go, we got back in line and Daddy knelt next to Santa with you. You looked only a little scared but you reached out and touched Santa's furry coat.

We plan on taking you to see the Santa at the mall, to see if we can get a better picture, instead of the one we have where you're bawling your eyes out.

This past month you've learned where more of your body parts are - in addition to your penis - lol. Now you know where your belly button, ears and hair are, and sometimes you nose.

You give kisses - closed and open mouthed when asked and say the words "pea" and "baby".

Since we have a ton of snow you've gone outside a few times and experienced winter in all its glory. You look like a marshmallow man in your snowsuit as you waddle and fall and are unable to get up without help. There's nothing particular that you love about being outside in the snowy, cold weather - you certainly don't like eating snow - but do you love it. You've even brought me your boots and hat as a couple of times as your way of asking if we can go outside.

You're a very good boy - still! Dad and I have taught you to put away your toys and you listen (most) of the time. You have also had your first set of time-outs. You were throwing your food on the floor. No matter how many taps on the hand, "no's", "keep your food on the trays", or "stops" you kept doing it - very defiantly. So I picked you up, wiped your hands and face and put you in bed and closed the door where you instantly burst into tears. I hurt your feelings, you were so broken hearted. But it worked, you only did it once more (and one more time in time-out) and you learned your lesson. You're so smart!

Speaking of smart, your favourite book at the moment is "I am Blessed" and on one of the pages in the book has a puppy, a kitty, butterflies and bees and you can correctly point out all of them when asked. As well, you can point out the bear, boy and an orange kitty throughout the book. You're just BRILLIANT!

Your cousin Trek and his girlfriend Jenny visited with your (second) cousin Audrey this past weekend. You're nine months older than her, she's just six months old and my, my, you love her. You spent this morning kissing her head, patting her hands and just staring at her. Dad and I hope this loving behaviour will continue if you're a big brother some day. You were so sweet to her.

Your motor skills are off and running (like you)! You know eat with a spoon and fork with a little help. Once the food is on the utensil, you pretty well get it into your mouth easily...though there's usually a stray noodle, veggie or grain of rice that ends up in your lap or in your bib.

And even today - the day you turn 15 months old - you pulled yourself on to the (ugly) couch in our dinning room and were pleased as punch with your new accomplishment. So all day long that's what you've been doing, pulling yourself up and (with help and guidance) crawling down. Only a few times have you pitched yourself forward off the couch and on to the floor. All afternoon we've taught you to roll on to your tummy and slide yourself down until your feet touch the floor and we clap and you clap and you grin and grin and grin (your super-cute squinty-eye grin)!

You are a joy - pure and simple.

Love,

Mommy

xoxoxo

Dear Noah - 60 Weeks

Dear Noah,
Hello Sweet Face (I call you that all the time) along with Lovey-Loves, Sweet Pie and still Bubba Lou and Hammy-Hams, but not as much as I used to.
These letters are getting harder and harder to write, with work and you and daddy and the regular (un-fun) interruptions of life getting in the way.
It's also hard to condense one month worth of adventures and milestones when I feel like I've missed much of them by working...boo. Unless Daddy and I win the lottery, I'm afraid it's going to be like this...cést la vie.
So here we are, at 14 months old.
Where to begin. Well, I'll start by telling you that mid-October (last month) Dad and I took you to get the H1N1 vaccine. So much controversy surrounding it, when, it's just like the flu, really. We decided it was best for our family, best for you and could, save your life. You screamed for a grand total of 15 seconds, then were more interested in the wooden spiral toys on the wall in the clinic room - way to go!
I like joking with you when you cry: "Shake it off, Noah." lol
You also celebrated your second Halloween and were, a little confused as to what was exactly going on.
We took you to six houses - which included the Verstraten's and Granny's - and you didn't smile ONCE. Not once. You just furrowed your little brow, stared at everyone who "oohhed and ahhed" and were all like, 'geeze mom, this get up is lame and totally sucks.' You were a skunk, by the way. It was a great costume that I got for like $10.50 at Once Upon a Child - with a hat with a stripe down the top and fuzzy ears. The body part had a big tummy, red bow tie (omg!), and a striped tail! There were matching "feet" too! I painted your nose black and carried you to all six houses - daddy protected the candy.
These days you tear through the house like a whirlwind (I have a feeling I'm going to be saying that more than once in the coming years) and have an opinion and mind-set that comes out on occasion. Especially when the word, "no" is used.
You are a helpful boy. You love to close cupboards, the fridge, the freezer and any other open object. You love to hear "thank you" and "good boy."
You listen remarkably well (most of the time) when we do say no. You have yet to touch the fireplace downstairs, I think so far you understand that it's dangerous. I do expect you'll touch it eventually (much to your Dad's horror) just to see if what we've been saying all along is true.
You are a happy, joyful soul - still. You grin and smile and "chat" to anyone. Smiles comes so easily to you and I love that. Daddy and I live to make you laugh and smile.
Speaking of smiles. You've got two more teeth coming in - the top ones. Unlike the bottom ones that came in at the exact same time, your top right is half way through, while the other top tooth is just, peeking out.
You look so different with more teeth - lol - almost weird. And with that, we've also been brushing those little toofers. You're so good about letting Daddy or I brush first. You giggle and squirm and laugh - I guess it tickles your gums. And then it's your turn and you just chew on the toothbrush and suck all the toothpaste out of it.
Daddy and I have also taught you the art of the Eskimo kiss - you hold your head still (when you want to) and let us rub our nose against yours. It's adorable.
I can't wait for your second Christmas - just around the corner. I don't think you'll "get it", but I'm sure you'll have a TON of fun ripping the wrapping paper.
Love,
Mommy
xxoxoxo

Dear Noah - 56 Weeks

Dear Noah

Well my sweet, another month has (quickly!) come and gone, except this time, I haven't been with you. I haven't been with you for more than 2.5 hours during weekdays and boy, oh boy have I missed you! Desperately I miss you so much that when I finally go get you from Linda's and bring you home, I find myself rolling on the floor with you and tickling you and "eating" your armpits - it's one of the best parts about my day.

Time with you is even more precious, now that we're not together as often as we were, in the beginning. Now I don't mind (too much) carrying you around while I make dinner answering all your pointing "pshhht, pshhhts". Translation: "What's that mom?"

Now, the favourite part of my day is bedtime, but for a whole other reason. Before, it was because I needed to get to bed too, before I had to get up with you two or three times through the night. Now, I love to put you to bed so we can snuggle and sing.

You sit sideway in my lap, in the rocking chair we read a book or two or half-a-book, because sometimes you just flip, filp, flip the pages. Then I turn out your Noah's Ark lamp and by the glow of your baby monitor, I wrap my arms around you and rock and sing. Sometimes you sit up straight, looking at the monitor, smiling in the dark, tapping your open palm on my leg. Other times (I wish more often) you lay your head on my chest, I rest my chin on your downy-soft hair and kiss you and sing and smell your hair (it always smells good). During those times, I could sing all night long. I start with "Let it Snow" (it was the first song I sang to you when you were just two months old and you grin every time I sing it), followed by a number of other cheese-ball songs that you love - including the Discovery Channel's "Boom De-ah-da" song...

Up until recently, after songs, after cuddles, I'd lay you in bed, take your blankie and put it over you and you'd snuggle it close to your face and smile and coo. I'd leave the room and you'd blink, blink in the dark. Now, however - the last 3-4 nights - you scream and holler and cry your eyes out no matter what either Daddy or I do before we put you in bed. You've cried SO hard that I've gone into your room twice now - because it absolutely broke my heart - you whimper and moan with big alligator tears streaking down your chubby cheeks. I hold you for a while longer and sing more songs and still, I put you back into bed and you cry and cry these ANGRY, broken-hearted cries that tear me up...so I go downstairs or in the kitchen where I can't quite hear you and busy myself until you inevitably - some five minutes later - quiet yourself and blink, blink, blink in the dark...I have a feeling this is the start of what bedtime will be like when you get older...

We celebrated your second Thanksgiving (which really felt like your first) at the cottage and with our neighbours, the Verstraten's. You loved playing with your cousins Brianna and Mackenzie at the cottage and how they loved to crawl around on the floor with you and build towers you could destroy!

At the Verstraten's you ate like a perfect gentleman - all of the turkey, mashed potatoes (you love potatoes!), stuffing (a first - which you love, love, LOVED!), asparagus (surprise, you ate it all!), pickles (so juicy) and broccoli (eh, it was okay).

Halloween is right around the corner and you're going to be a sweet, stinky skunk, I can't wait to take you out and show you off!

Love,

Mommy

Dear Noah - 52 Weeks

Dear Noah,

Oh my sweet, sweet boy. Where have these last 365 days gone? Where did my newborn baby go?

I have mixed emotions about you finally turning the big ONE - it's truly bitter-sweet.

Because of my "baby blues" for a few months following your birth, I have regrets over missing the (hundreds) of moments I missed because I wasn't "present".

Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte makes me sad - silly I know - it reminds me of the handful of times your dad and I took you to sit on the patio with us when you were so tiny and I was so sad. That in turn reminds me of when GG came to take care of me, cook for us and coach me through the darkest days...despite the brilliance you brought to our lives, I couldn't see it...not then.

I don't think I can find the words to express how deeply sorry I am for not holding more - especially now, since you don't want to be held - for not loving you enough.

I'm hoping for the rest of my years I can make up for those months we lost...

The morning of your birthday I went into your room and sang 'Happy Birthday' - it was hard to sing, I was getting choked up...but you were so sunshiny happy it was hard to be wistful and sad.

For your birthday we had a big party - with 30 of our family and friends who came over to our house to celebrate the day you came into this world. You had so much fun, toddling around the living room or on the back deck while Daddy barbecued. You received TONS of presents - lots of trucks - and a few outfits (with overalls! Mommy loves little boys in overalls!)...what a spoiled little boy you are!

I made chocolate cupcakes with blue icing and you LOVED the icing - not surprised - but just picked at the cupcake.

We were all exhausted after the big bash - you napped for nearly 2 hours - and I went for a rest too!

These past 52 weeks have been riddled with ups and downs, but, obviously, mostly ups - the highest of highs, the best of the bestests is what you've brought to mine and daddy's life.

We can't get enough of your giggles, your kisses, your (mostly gummy) smile or your "Mum-Mums" and "Da-das"...you're like the most wonderful drug, the most wonderful high we've ever been on (SAY NO TO DRUGS!).

Your personality it bursting with an inquisitiveness that boggles my mind, with a yearning to touch, taste, drop, pinch, shake, push, and smell (like mommy) EVERYTHING...and when we say "no", you smile and do it anyway...you bugger. But I can't really blame you, this world and everything in it IS completely new to you.

We've spent a few adventurous days at the cottage and you've loved every moment, as I hoped you would. You love pushing an old train - that Uncle-Cousin Ray Ray got on his first birthday - around the cottage or on the grass. You love the water, waving your little hand or pulling me deeper and deeper...no fear...none.

You're eating everything now and loved your first taste of GG's homemade pesto - woah, you love that stuff! You also loved the spaghetti I made, so much so you wanted seconds!

Speaking of food, you were - thankfully - off the bottle weeks before your birthday...I was so proud of you, but sad at the same time. Check another milestone off the list, add another check to the Boy Category.

Every day I see a little less baby and a little more boy in your (still) grey-brown-blue eyes. The roundness of your face and the overall baldness of your head has been replaced with the Johnson pointy chin, a full head of dirty blonde hair, long eye lashes and two bottom teeth.

Happy first birthday, Noah. May you have many, many, many more celebrations and live a long, happy life full of big joys and little sorrow. May you continue to be inquisitive and yearn to know everything about this big, giant world.

Mommy loves you, now, always and forever.

"As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."

Love,

Mommy

xoxox

365 days ago...

On the eve of Noah's first birthday I can't help but reflect on where I was and what I was doing at this time, one year ago.

I was at the West Parry Sound Health Centre, it was a Friday and I was being induced.

Probably around now, Tony and I were walking the halls. From my labour room, past the permanent "residents", past the little coffee shop, to the front doors and back. I would stop every now and again - contractions - I'd rub my belly, lean on Tony and groan.

I sent my Mom home at around 12:30 a.m.

Tony and I settled into the tiny, single bed ready to "rest".

I remembered I hadn't taken out my contacts. I got out of bed, stood up and my water broke all over the floor.

"Call the nurse," I said and bolted to the toilet.

Tony called the nurse, then called my Mom.

That's when things got rocking and rolling.

All through the long (and lonely) night, I was in hard labour.

A wet face cloth on my forehead, in my mouth between my teeth, on my face, on my arms, was my friend. I remember gripping and pulling on the plastic handles of the bed, sure with the next one I'd rip the sucker right off.

I moaned and breathed - I remember the nurse coming in at one point saying: "I'm going to have to get to you slow your breathing down." Fuck you, I wanted to say.

It wasn't until about 3 a.m. that I asked for something. When they offered me an epidural or morphine, I was surprised.

I opted for morphine, something to take the "top" off the contractions. It seemed to take FOREVER for my doctor to get his ass into my room and okay the drugs and by the time they gave it to me, it took doubly forever for it to kick in.

I don't remember much else of that night or day, just sleeping - dozing actually - through each contraction, some that came back to back to back to back.

By 10 a.m. the next morning - Saturday, September 13 - my doctor checked me and said I was okay to start pushing.

And fucking...push...I...did...for FIVE hours.

That's right. Five. Hours.

I pushed on my back, on my hands and knees. I pushed squatting on the floor...with my feet nearly behind my ears...I was a pushing machine!

But alas, it was all in vain. Something was wrong. Noah was in the wrong placement at the right time.

Facing sideways, facing up - I don't remember - but whatever way he was facing, it was wrong for exiting my vagina.

And when the doctor could do no more - after trying to vacuum him out and accidentally breaking a blood vessel (that required a stitch and me screaming at him "WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!) and giving me horrifyingly strong petocin - he told me I would have to have a c-section.

A. C-section.

And then I cried.

I cried and my Mom left the room.

I cried into to Tony's arms - sobbing, choking...wracking sobs of defeat, exhaustion and disappointment.

But by the time they wheeled me into the operating room - some 30 minutes to an hour later - my tears had dried and I was EXCITED...but scared.

There I lay on my back, being rolled into a cold, bright, white room with huge lights - I thought I was dying.

My doctor numbed me from the waist down and I was hooked up to a dozen machines.

I asked for good music, made jokes about the junky classical they had playing and told my doctor that I forgot I was getting a baby out of this...

And a baby I did.

As soon as I heard the wee boy's cry, I looked at Tony and we both began to cry.

Noah was taken to a table just beyond my view and I could barely choke out the words, telling Tony to leave me and go to him.

He cried and cried my little boy, but as soon as they brought him to me, and he heard my voice say, "you're so BIG!" he stopped.

Happy first birthday my special, wonderful, captivating one.

It's been one heck of a year.

Stephannie's Bucket List

Eventually, I hope to have 100 items on this list, but for now, here's what I've come up with:

#1 Go horseback riding. I've never gone - unless you count those crappy pony rides at fall fairs

where they go around, and around, and around.

#2 Go scuba diving. I used to have dreams that I could actually breathe underwater...this would be as close as I'll get to that dream!

#3 Eat in an Gordon Ramsey restaurant - in Europe, New York, Las Angles - who cares - I WANT TO EAT HIS FOOD...

#4 Breastfeed - successfully. It may sound like a waste of room on a Bucket List, but it's something I regret not being able to do with Noah...so next time around(s), I'd like to give it the old college try - again.

#5 Publish a book/novel. As long as I've been writing (my Mom says since I was a kid), I've wanted to write a book. I don't even care if it's well-loved - though for the dream to come full circle I'd have to be on the New York Times Bestseller list - I just want to do it...someday...

More to come...

What I've Learned

Children, no matter their age - surprisingly (to me anyway) - want to spend time with their parents.

They want them to be involved with their lives, to talk with, share with, and to learn from.

No matter his age I hope that Noah always feels loved by both Tony and I. I want him to know he can come to us with anything - no matter how deep he's gotten himself into shit - and we will still love him - just as much.

I want him to know he can confide in us, ask us (any) questions, bounce ideas off of, share his hopes and dreams with...I hope I can adequately show him that we are his soft place to fall - always.

I never want him to feel like an outsider in his own family...

Back to Work

I'm going back to work in three weeks.

N'ough said...

Sigh...

Mama Paranoia

Today was the first time - out of the last 4 - that Noah cried when I dropped him off at The Sitter.

Does that mean that she's abusing/traumatizing/neglecting my baby, or am I just being paranoid?

I hope it's the latter.

Dear Noah - 11 Months

Dear Noah,

Okay, listen sweetie, honestly, the joke's over....for heaven's sake, please stop growing...immediately!

You are eleven. Months. Old...in four weeks you'll be one year old - one year.

Just yesterday your Daddy was backing up (the millions of) videos he and I have taken of you since the day you were born and I thanked him for capturing nearly every moment and milestone of your life. Although I balked in the beginning (I still do if my hair's a mess and I'm not wearing a stitch of make-up) of him videotaping (your hiccups, your chatter, your crawling and bath time antics) I'm so happy to have them to look back on. I think you'll even get a kick out of them when you're older - especially the one video where we caught you "discovering" yourself in the tub.

Two major milestone stones have rocked your world this past month. The first being your first step!

When you were just 10 months and one-week old you took four whole steps to Aunt Tuffy who was visiting us from Tennessee. She was just tickled pink to have been the very first person you walked to!

And since then you haven't stopped. Now that's not to say that you stopped crawling altogether, no, you still do that, but when you think no one's looking or you forget that you're actually standing you'll just wander a couple of steps before plopping on to your bum.

You've become more confident on your feet; needing something to steady your self before you let go and stand...stand....stand!

And now, you've been stepping and walking...actually....walking. It's honestly a marvel to witness!

On August 11, I watched (and held my breath - honestly!) as you walked 12 steps before falling on your face. You cried - I think more in frustration than anything else - and we called Daddy on the phone to tell him what you'd just accomplished.

And surprise, surprise, he said he'd be video taping you and following you around the house like the paparazzi or TMZ as soon as he got home...

And just days later, when you officially turned 11 months we captured you walking all over the house! Steps upon steps, upon steps you walked through the kitchen and the living room....we were so PROUD!

The other milestone you've reached are the two teeth that started to poke through at the same time! They're about a quarter of the way through and they're so cute to see!

Speaking of teeth, you're pretty much eating everything we are now - except for the crunchy, hard or chewy stuff (that you're not allowed to eat yet) - and you LOVE it! There's not too much that you won't eat or try - I hope you stay this way - yeah right!

In July Daddy and I took you to the beach where you and I went "swimming". You actually tried to get out of my arms so you could do it all by yourself - you've got no fear!

You love, love, LOVE it! You splashed and smiled up at me like this was the greatest thing in the world - a giant bathtub for you to play in!

Afterwards the three of us shared a blue freezie on a towel in the grass under the shade of a tree...it was an awesome family moment.

You've also spent a few days here and there with the babysitter, which has been tougher on you than me. I've struggled to find things to occupy my time when you're not here, but I know it's good for both of us. So that when I go back to work, neither of us will be missing the other - too much!

You're first birthday is right around the corner. I've had to restrain myself from going CRAZY with decorations and such. We've decided on an animal/jungle theme. We'll be having a barbecue at the house with just a few (30) family and friends.

I'm making homemade chocolate cupcakes (and arranging them into the shape of a number 1) with (blue) buttercream icing...I hope you like them.

I'm looking forward to your birthday as much as I'm dreading it - after all, the day after I've got to go back to work!

Love,

Mommy

xoxoxo

Newton's Cradle

Doofy Husbands...

I laughed my ass off!

Enjoy ladies and gents!!

Dear Noah - 10 Months

Dear Noah,

Welcome to DOUBLE DIGITS Hammy Hams! You turned 10 months old and I've turned 30 - ack, THIRTY! Well, your Dad turned 40, so that's not so bad in the grander scheme of things, now is it?

Oh my sweet boy, where do I begin? How can I adequately express what a month this has been?

For starters, physically, you're now pulling yourself to a standing position - using my pants, chair legs, or anything within reach. You are so proud of yourself when you do it too. An ear-to-ear grin for your accomplishment.

An even bigger smile smears itself across your face when you stand, pulling yourself up by hanging on to the handle of the walker-contraption we bought you earlier this year and then you WALK! Yes Noah, you walk, wobbly across the dining room, running over shoes, toys, running INTO walls, furniture and anything and everything in your way - since you haven't quite figured out how to turn yet. But my oh my how you get the hang of things so quickly.

Daddy and I have spent the last few days focusing on teaching you to wave and blow kisses. You wave exclusively with your right hand, which is closed but for the thumb and a few fingers that flex and wiggle while you "wave" at yourself. It's truly the most adorable thing I've seen you do this month.

As for blowing kisses, you tend to forget the whole point is to kiss your hand and then direct that kiss to the nearest person. You however prefer to just bang your open palm on your mouth repeatedly making that - "bah, bah, bah." sound. It's far more entertaining.

Everyone still marvels at how happy you are. Yes you are so happy. You chirp and "talk" to yourself constantly while you motor though the house.

Your smiles are for everyone. No one is turned away. I've noticed you're even apt to give courtesy smiles to those people you can JUST tell won't leave you alone until you throw them a bone - and I thank you for that!

Already this summer you've spent a couple of afternoons - all of 15 minutes! - in the little red and yellow pool we bought you. Although you love the water; splashing around, don't think you've quite realized the joy it can bring you.

On that note. Your Daddy and I took you to the Town Beach and put your feet in the waters of Georgian Bay for the first time.

You'd never had sand between your toes and you balked only slightly. You reached your tiny hand and waved at the water a bit, while I held you hand and you leaned back against my legs.

I have a feeling your going to love spending your summers on The Bay.

This past month was the first time daddy I spent more than 24 hours away from you. For three whole days we left you with Auntie Keli while we spent time in Toronto with Papa Tony and Nanny Tammy. I don't know about daddy, but I had separation anxiety the first day. I spent an hour having a pedicure, trying not to cry into my People Magazine. Oh how I missed you!

You've also learned, as recently as today, in fact, how to climb the stairs - with help and guidance from me. It's scary (VERY scary), but amazing to see you climb, climb, climb.

The baby in you is still present - STILL no teeth! - but when I look at you I see so much boy. A little boy with big brown-blue eyes, a huge (gummy) grin, musical laughter and a sing-song voice.

You are my joy, my world Noah...and I can't wait to show you all its wonders.

Love,

Mommy

xoxoxo

What I Want

What I want: A (HUGE) piece of Dairy Queen ice cream cake.

What I will have instead: Nothing...for now...

Author's note: It has occurred to me that I did NOT receive an ice cream cake (as requested) for my birthday, therefore I reserve the right to buy one for myself...and not share ANY of it...

Day 2 at The Sitter

When I picked Noah up from The Sitter on Friday - no word of a lie - there was an opened (mostly empty) bag of cheesies on the kitchen table...cheesies (of all things) were a big concern of mine when I left Noah with her for the first time on Thursday.

Therefore, it made complete sense when I grabbed Noah and ran out of the house screaming...okay, that part's a lie...but I totally wanted to!

Day 1 at The Sitter

Today Noah went to The Sitter - a first for both of us.

I go back to work in a month and want him (and I) to get accustomed to the (drastic) change in routine.

The whole two-minute walk there I gave myself a pep talk, it'll be good for Noah, it'll be good for me too, I'll get some time to myself during the day, maybe take a nap...none of it made a lick of difference, as soon as I walked through the door, I wanted to BOLT; run-the-hell-away.

Run away from this woman who would surly feed him cheesies and Pepsi as soon as I left. A woman who'd slap him around, leave him in a shitty and/or wet diaper all day long and let him watch General Hospital (now the Y&R, that would be totally acceptable, he can't get enough of Victor Newman, and who can blame him?).

I handed Noah over to her (he totally didn't want to go) and then I was the one who bolted, covering my mouth with my hand, choking back the tears.

I cried all the way home. Called The Lover and sobbed into the phone; blubbering about how I missed him already and this would be the LONGEST day of my LIFE (longer than 36 hours of labour? Surely).

Funny thing was. He was fine and so was I. The day flew by and I found that no matter how much I enjoyed myself, I felt as if I was constantly missing that little person that has been practically attached to my hip for nearly the last eleven months (where'd the last TEN go?).

When I went to pick him up (ten minutes early), he smiled at me - as if to say, "Shit woman, I honestly thought you'd left me here for good! Damn, it's so good to see you!"

Although the sitter remarked at how much Noah loves to eat, he did not eat cheesies or drink Pepsi...he was perfect, he smelled funny, like someone else's house, but he was perfect.

As soon as I got home, I promptly changed his clothes and nuzzled my face in his neck inhaling his sent...I then resisted the urge to eat him...it was hard.

What I Want

What I want: Grande Mocha Frappuccino (extra whip!!!)

What I will have instead: A glass of water...sigh

Blink...blink...blink

I'm watching you right now.

It's 10 o'clock in the evening.

Your eyes are like two beams of light on the grainy black and white screen.

You're trying to stay awake - after Mommy so rudely woke you by pulling your feet from between the rails in your crib - you blink, blink...blink...blink...trying to keep those peepers open so you don't miss anything.

Slowly now your eyes blink, shut for a moment or two, then open again; slowly.

I'm smiling. My heart is smiling; melting.

Your mint green and white knitted blanket is tangled about your (chubby) legs, the other blanket that matches your (outrageously expensive) brown, blue and polka-dotted bedding is shoved against the opposite side of the crib.

Blink...blink...whimper....roll...snuggle...

Your bum - the one I vow to eat - is in the air now, knees curled to your chest, where I often can feel the rapid (strong) beat of your heart.

You're asleep now my darling one...

I'll see you in the morning my love...

Dear Noah - 10 Months

Dear Noah,

Welcome to DOUBLE DIGITS Hammy Hams! You turned 10 months old and I've turned 30 - ack, THIRTY! Well, your Dad turned 40, so that's not so bad in the grander scheme of things, now is it?

Oh my sweet boy, where do I begin? How can I adequately express what a month this has been?

For starters, physically, you're now pulling yourself to a standing position - using my pants, chair legs, or anything within reach. You are so proud of yourself when you do it too. An ear-to-ear grin for your accomplishment.

An even bigger smile smears itself across your face when you stand, pulling yourself up by hanging on to the handle of the walker-contraption we bought you earlier this year and then you WALK! Yes Noah, you walk, wobbly across the dining room, running over shoes, toys, running INTO walls, furniture and anything and everything in your way - since you haven't quite figured out how to turn yet. But my oh my how you get the hang of things so quickly.

Daddy and I have spent the last few days focusing on teaching you to wave and blow kisses. You wave exclusively with your right hand, which is closed but for the thumb and a few fingers that flex and wiggle while you "wave" at yourself. It's truly the most adorable thing I've seen you do this month.

As for blowing kisses, you tend to forget the whole point is to kiss your hand and then direct that kiss to the nearest person. You however prefer to just bang your open palm on your mouth repeatedly making that - "bah, bah, bah." sound. It's far more entertaining.

Everyone still marvels at how happy you are. Yes you are so happy. You chirp and "talk" to yourself constantly while you motor though the house.

Your smiles are for everyone. No one is turned away. I've noticed you're even apt to give courtesy smiles to those people you can JUST tell won't leave you alone until you throw them a bone - and I thank you for that!

Already this summer you've spent a couple of afternoons - all of 15 minutes! - in the little red and yellow pool we bought you. Although you love the water; splashing around, don't think you've quite realized the joy it can bring you.

On that note. Your Daddy and I took you to the Town Beach and put your feet in the waters of Georgian Bay for the first time.

You'd never had sand between your toes and you balked only slightly. You reached your tiny hand and waved at the water a bit, while I held you hand and you leaned back against my legs.

I have a feeling your going to love spending your summers on The Bay.

This past month was the first time daddy I spent more than 24 hours away from you. For three whole days we left you with Auntie Keli while we spent time in Toronto with Papa Tony and Nanny Tammy. I don't know about daddy, but I had separation anxiety the first day. I spent an hour having a pedicure, trying not to cry into my People Magazine. Oh how I missed you!

You've also learned, as recently as today, in fact, how to climb the stairs - with help and guidance from me. It's scary (VERY scary), but amazing to see you climb, climb, climb.

The baby in you is still present - STILL no teeth! - but when I look at you I see so much boy. A little boy with big brown-blue eyes, a huge (gummy) grin, musical laughter and a sing-song voice.

You are my joy, my world Noah...and I can't wait to show you all its wonders.

Love,

Mommy

xoxoxo

What I Want

What I want: A Peanut Buster Parfait from Dairy Queen

What I'll have instead: Sugar-free Jell-O cup (boo!)

Motherhood is Bullshit...

I wrote this some 7 months ago, when Noah was just a wee newborn and I was going out of my mind.

Motherhood is bullshit.

I have been betrayed by my sisters. I have been lied to, swindled!

I want my life back. I don't remember signing up for this. I don't remember saying: “Yes, please, take my freedom, my sanity and all sense of reason and replace it with a weepy, hormonal, flabby and exhausted person I don't even know.”

Oh they tell you it'll be hard, it won't all be wine and roses. Yeah, thanks, that's like saying giving birth is a little painful. It's more than hard, it's more than frustrating and it's the most un-fun I've ever experienced in my life.

All you assholes who told me it'd be worth all the hassle after “one smile”, are also full of shit. As charming as my baby's smile is, it certainly doesn't win me over at 3 a.m. - sorry.

The websites geared towards new moms, those too are bullshit. I hate the cutsie terms they use, like LO for Little One and DS for Dear Son and DD (they aren't for titties anymore) for Dear Daughter. For the life of me I couldn't find one single message board topic that complained about the real issues like exhaustion, feelings of helplessness, or regret. Gasp, heaven forbid if after the fifth time you get out of bed to comfort your completely-fine-baby you have feelings of regret over ever becoming a mom. How human of you!

Dear Noah - 36 Weeks

Dear Noah,

Hello my little boy with the big personality.

Today you are 36 weeks old - 9 months - you've been outside my body for as long as you were inside.

Where did this month go? You've changed so much that I can hardly keep up with these remarkable milestones that you're reaching and surpassing each day.

This month you've added a new word to your repertoire - "Baba" - which means bottle. We have tried not to use this word with you, constantly correcting ourselves, but you've somehow managed to pick it up anyway. Which means, I'm really going to have to start watching my mouth!

Soon after you spoke that word you said to me one night, "Baba Mama." Wow! A complete sentence!

You're crawling like a mad man now and trying so hard to stand on your chubby little gams. You walk fast if you have a hand or two to hold - doing the "model walk" as G-G calls it - almost stepping on your own feet.

You favourite game now is copycat - having Daddy and I copy your sounds back and forth.

Recently I taught you the joy of using your hand and your voice to make noise...like an Indian (but that's not politically correct to say Indian now, but that's the easiest way to describe it). We catch you sitting up in your crib before or after a nap using your fist to make that cute noise to entertain yourself.

Your demeanor is so loving and joyful. I've never met anyone quite like you my Little Noah, so happy and smily and giggly almost all of the time. Nor have I met anyone who's face lights up quite like yours does when I walk into a room - I know that's bound to change in the years to come!

At your last doctor's appointment you weighed 19 pounds 8 ounces and were 29.5 inches long - a far cry from the 8 pounds 6 ounces and 21.5 inches long you were nine (short) months ago.

You still sleep 12 hours a night (thank you), though with all the chatting and kicking you still do most nights, it's no wonder. You've also blessed us with two one-and-a-half hour naps a day (I love you!).

You eat a lot - I joke soon enough you'll be eating us out of house and home! You love food and this past month we've introduced rice husks (a dissolving cracker of sorts), Cheerios (though these are for babies and have no salt or sugar) and water in a sippy cup. You take quite a lot of pride in yourself for your new-found ability to put food in your own mouth, in your lap and on the floor.

I'll be going back to work soon. The single, non-mother part of me is looking forward to adult conversation and corporate responsibilities. The other (more emotional) part of me will miss you to bits and pieces. I'll miss the big and small parts of being with you day in and day out - the (brief) snuggles we have after a nap, the games we play, the walks together - I'll miss it all. You bring me more joy than you know.

I'm looking forward to this summer - taking you to the cottage; sticking your toes in Georgian Bay and sand in your mouth. It will be exciting to see nature for the second time around through your gorgeous grey-blue-brown eyes...

Love,

Mommy

xoxoxo

PS. You still don't have any teeth yet. I think it's one of the few things that make me believe that you aren't growing up as fast as you are.