Stephannie's Bucket List

Eventually, I hope to have 100 items on this list, but for now, here's what I've come up with:

#1 Go horseback riding. I've never gone - unless you count those crappy pony rides at fall fairs

where they go around, and around, and around.

#2 Go scuba diving. I used to have dreams that I could actually breathe underwater...this would be as close as I'll get to that dream!

#3 Eat in an Gordon Ramsey restaurant - in Europe, New York, Las Angles - who cares - I WANT TO EAT HIS FOOD...

#4 Breastfeed - successfully. It may sound like a waste of room on a Bucket List, but it's something I regret not being able to do with Noah...so next time around(s), I'd like to give it the old college try - again.

#5 Publish a book/novel. As long as I've been writing (my Mom says since I was a kid), I've wanted to write a book. I don't even care if it's well-loved - though for the dream to come full circle I'd have to be on the New York Times Bestseller list - I just want to do it...someday...

More to come...

What I've Learned

Children, no matter their age - surprisingly (to me anyway) - want to spend time with their parents.

They want them to be involved with their lives, to talk with, share with, and to learn from.

No matter his age I hope that Noah always feels loved by both Tony and I. I want him to know he can come to us with anything - no matter how deep he's gotten himself into shit - and we will still love him - just as much.

I want him to know he can confide in us, ask us (any) questions, bounce ideas off of, share his hopes and dreams with...I hope I can adequately show him that we are his soft place to fall - always.

I never want him to feel like an outsider in his own family...

Back to Work

I'm going back to work in three weeks.

N'ough said...

Sigh...

Mama Paranoia

Today was the first time - out of the last 4 - that Noah cried when I dropped him off at The Sitter.

Does that mean that she's abusing/traumatizing/neglecting my baby, or am I just being paranoid?

I hope it's the latter.

Dear Noah - 11 Months

Dear Noah,

Okay, listen sweetie, honestly, the joke's over....for heaven's sake, please stop growing...immediately!

You are eleven. Months. Old...in four weeks you'll be one year old - one year.

Just yesterday your Daddy was backing up (the millions of) videos he and I have taken of you since the day you were born and I thanked him for capturing nearly every moment and milestone of your life. Although I balked in the beginning (I still do if my hair's a mess and I'm not wearing a stitch of make-up) of him videotaping (your hiccups, your chatter, your crawling and bath time antics) I'm so happy to have them to look back on. I think you'll even get a kick out of them when you're older - especially the one video where we caught you "discovering" yourself in the tub.

Two major milestone stones have rocked your world this past month. The first being your first step!

When you were just 10 months and one-week old you took four whole steps to Aunt Tuffy who was visiting us from Tennessee. She was just tickled pink to have been the very first person you walked to!

And since then you haven't stopped. Now that's not to say that you stopped crawling altogether, no, you still do that, but when you think no one's looking or you forget that you're actually standing you'll just wander a couple of steps before plopping on to your bum.

You've become more confident on your feet; needing something to steady your self before you let go and stand...stand....stand!

And now, you've been stepping and walking...actually....walking. It's honestly a marvel to witness!

On August 11, I watched (and held my breath - honestly!) as you walked 12 steps before falling on your face. You cried - I think more in frustration than anything else - and we called Daddy on the phone to tell him what you'd just accomplished.

And surprise, surprise, he said he'd be video taping you and following you around the house like the paparazzi or TMZ as soon as he got home...

And just days later, when you officially turned 11 months we captured you walking all over the house! Steps upon steps, upon steps you walked through the kitchen and the living room....we were so PROUD!

The other milestone you've reached are the two teeth that started to poke through at the same time! They're about a quarter of the way through and they're so cute to see!

Speaking of teeth, you're pretty much eating everything we are now - except for the crunchy, hard or chewy stuff (that you're not allowed to eat yet) - and you LOVE it! There's not too much that you won't eat or try - I hope you stay this way - yeah right!

In July Daddy and I took you to the beach where you and I went "swimming". You actually tried to get out of my arms so you could do it all by yourself - you've got no fear!

You love, love, LOVE it! You splashed and smiled up at me like this was the greatest thing in the world - a giant bathtub for you to play in!

Afterwards the three of us shared a blue freezie on a towel in the grass under the shade of a tree...it was an awesome family moment.

You've also spent a few days here and there with the babysitter, which has been tougher on you than me. I've struggled to find things to occupy my time when you're not here, but I know it's good for both of us. So that when I go back to work, neither of us will be missing the other - too much!

You're first birthday is right around the corner. I've had to restrain myself from going CRAZY with decorations and such. We've decided on an animal/jungle theme. We'll be having a barbecue at the house with just a few (30) family and friends.

I'm making homemade chocolate cupcakes (and arranging them into the shape of a number 1) with (blue) buttercream icing...I hope you like them.

I'm looking forward to your birthday as much as I'm dreading it - after all, the day after I've got to go back to work!

Love,

Mommy

xoxoxo

Newton's Cradle

Doofy Husbands...

I laughed my ass off!

Enjoy ladies and gents!!

Dear Noah - 10 Months

Dear Noah,

Welcome to DOUBLE DIGITS Hammy Hams! You turned 10 months old and I've turned 30 - ack, THIRTY! Well, your Dad turned 40, so that's not so bad in the grander scheme of things, now is it?

Oh my sweet boy, where do I begin? How can I adequately express what a month this has been?

For starters, physically, you're now pulling yourself to a standing position - using my pants, chair legs, or anything within reach. You are so proud of yourself when you do it too. An ear-to-ear grin for your accomplishment.

An even bigger smile smears itself across your face when you stand, pulling yourself up by hanging on to the handle of the walker-contraption we bought you earlier this year and then you WALK! Yes Noah, you walk, wobbly across the dining room, running over shoes, toys, running INTO walls, furniture and anything and everything in your way - since you haven't quite figured out how to turn yet. But my oh my how you get the hang of things so quickly.

Daddy and I have spent the last few days focusing on teaching you to wave and blow kisses. You wave exclusively with your right hand, which is closed but for the thumb and a few fingers that flex and wiggle while you "wave" at yourself. It's truly the most adorable thing I've seen you do this month.

As for blowing kisses, you tend to forget the whole point is to kiss your hand and then direct that kiss to the nearest person. You however prefer to just bang your open palm on your mouth repeatedly making that - "bah, bah, bah." sound. It's far more entertaining.

Everyone still marvels at how happy you are. Yes you are so happy. You chirp and "talk" to yourself constantly while you motor though the house.

Your smiles are for everyone. No one is turned away. I've noticed you're even apt to give courtesy smiles to those people you can JUST tell won't leave you alone until you throw them a bone - and I thank you for that!

Already this summer you've spent a couple of afternoons - all of 15 minutes! - in the little red and yellow pool we bought you. Although you love the water; splashing around, don't think you've quite realized the joy it can bring you.

On that note. Your Daddy and I took you to the Town Beach and put your feet in the waters of Georgian Bay for the first time.

You'd never had sand between your toes and you balked only slightly. You reached your tiny hand and waved at the water a bit, while I held you hand and you leaned back against my legs.

I have a feeling your going to love spending your summers on The Bay.

This past month was the first time daddy I spent more than 24 hours away from you. For three whole days we left you with Auntie Keli while we spent time in Toronto with Papa Tony and Nanny Tammy. I don't know about daddy, but I had separation anxiety the first day. I spent an hour having a pedicure, trying not to cry into my People Magazine. Oh how I missed you!

You've also learned, as recently as today, in fact, how to climb the stairs - with help and guidance from me. It's scary (VERY scary), but amazing to see you climb, climb, climb.

The baby in you is still present - STILL no teeth! - but when I look at you I see so much boy. A little boy with big brown-blue eyes, a huge (gummy) grin, musical laughter and a sing-song voice.

You are my joy, my world Noah...and I can't wait to show you all its wonders.

Love,

Mommy

xoxoxo

What I Want

What I want: A (HUGE) piece of Dairy Queen ice cream cake.

What I will have instead: Nothing...for now...

Author's note: It has occurred to me that I did NOT receive an ice cream cake (as requested) for my birthday, therefore I reserve the right to buy one for myself...and not share ANY of it...

Day 2 at The Sitter

When I picked Noah up from The Sitter on Friday - no word of a lie - there was an opened (mostly empty) bag of cheesies on the kitchen table...cheesies (of all things) were a big concern of mine when I left Noah with her for the first time on Thursday.

Therefore, it made complete sense when I grabbed Noah and ran out of the house screaming...okay, that part's a lie...but I totally wanted to!

Day 1 at The Sitter

Today Noah went to The Sitter - a first for both of us.

I go back to work in a month and want him (and I) to get accustomed to the (drastic) change in routine.

The whole two-minute walk there I gave myself a pep talk, it'll be good for Noah, it'll be good for me too, I'll get some time to myself during the day, maybe take a nap...none of it made a lick of difference, as soon as I walked through the door, I wanted to BOLT; run-the-hell-away.

Run away from this woman who would surly feed him cheesies and Pepsi as soon as I left. A woman who'd slap him around, leave him in a shitty and/or wet diaper all day long and let him watch General Hospital (now the Y&R, that would be totally acceptable, he can't get enough of Victor Newman, and who can blame him?).

I handed Noah over to her (he totally didn't want to go) and then I was the one who bolted, covering my mouth with my hand, choking back the tears.

I cried all the way home. Called The Lover and sobbed into the phone; blubbering about how I missed him already and this would be the LONGEST day of my LIFE (longer than 36 hours of labour? Surely).

Funny thing was. He was fine and so was I. The day flew by and I found that no matter how much I enjoyed myself, I felt as if I was constantly missing that little person that has been practically attached to my hip for nearly the last eleven months (where'd the last TEN go?).

When I went to pick him up (ten minutes early), he smiled at me - as if to say, "Shit woman, I honestly thought you'd left me here for good! Damn, it's so good to see you!"

Although the sitter remarked at how much Noah loves to eat, he did not eat cheesies or drink Pepsi...he was perfect, he smelled funny, like someone else's house, but he was perfect.

As soon as I got home, I promptly changed his clothes and nuzzled my face in his neck inhaling his sent...I then resisted the urge to eat him...it was hard.

What I Want

What I want: Grande Mocha Frappuccino (extra whip!!!)

What I will have instead: A glass of water...sigh

Blink...blink...blink

I'm watching you right now.

It's 10 o'clock in the evening.

Your eyes are like two beams of light on the grainy black and white screen.

You're trying to stay awake - after Mommy so rudely woke you by pulling your feet from between the rails in your crib - you blink, blink...blink...blink...trying to keep those peepers open so you don't miss anything.

Slowly now your eyes blink, shut for a moment or two, then open again; slowly.

I'm smiling. My heart is smiling; melting.

Your mint green and white knitted blanket is tangled about your (chubby) legs, the other blanket that matches your (outrageously expensive) brown, blue and polka-dotted bedding is shoved against the opposite side of the crib.

Blink...blink...whimper....roll...snuggle...

Your bum - the one I vow to eat - is in the air now, knees curled to your chest, where I often can feel the rapid (strong) beat of your heart.

You're asleep now my darling one...

I'll see you in the morning my love...

Dear Noah - 10 Months

Dear Noah,

Welcome to DOUBLE DIGITS Hammy Hams! You turned 10 months old and I've turned 30 - ack, THIRTY! Well, your Dad turned 40, so that's not so bad in the grander scheme of things, now is it?

Oh my sweet boy, where do I begin? How can I adequately express what a month this has been?

For starters, physically, you're now pulling yourself to a standing position - using my pants, chair legs, or anything within reach. You are so proud of yourself when you do it too. An ear-to-ear grin for your accomplishment.

An even bigger smile smears itself across your face when you stand, pulling yourself up by hanging on to the handle of the walker-contraption we bought you earlier this year and then you WALK! Yes Noah, you walk, wobbly across the dining room, running over shoes, toys, running INTO walls, furniture and anything and everything in your way - since you haven't quite figured out how to turn yet. But my oh my how you get the hang of things so quickly.

Daddy and I have spent the last few days focusing on teaching you to wave and blow kisses. You wave exclusively with your right hand, which is closed but for the thumb and a few fingers that flex and wiggle while you "wave" at yourself. It's truly the most adorable thing I've seen you do this month.

As for blowing kisses, you tend to forget the whole point is to kiss your hand and then direct that kiss to the nearest person. You however prefer to just bang your open palm on your mouth repeatedly making that - "bah, bah, bah." sound. It's far more entertaining.

Everyone still marvels at how happy you are. Yes you are so happy. You chirp and "talk" to yourself constantly while you motor though the house.

Your smiles are for everyone. No one is turned away. I've noticed you're even apt to give courtesy smiles to those people you can JUST tell won't leave you alone until you throw them a bone - and I thank you for that!

Already this summer you've spent a couple of afternoons - all of 15 minutes! - in the little red and yellow pool we bought you. Although you love the water; splashing around, don't think you've quite realized the joy it can bring you.

On that note. Your Daddy and I took you to the Town Beach and put your feet in the waters of Georgian Bay for the first time.

You'd never had sand between your toes and you balked only slightly. You reached your tiny hand and waved at the water a bit, while I held you hand and you leaned back against my legs.

I have a feeling your going to love spending your summers on The Bay.

This past month was the first time daddy I spent more than 24 hours away from you. For three whole days we left you with Auntie Keli while we spent time in Toronto with Papa Tony and Nanny Tammy. I don't know about daddy, but I had separation anxiety the first day. I spent an hour having a pedicure, trying not to cry into my People Magazine. Oh how I missed you!

You've also learned, as recently as today, in fact, how to climb the stairs - with help and guidance from me. It's scary (VERY scary), but amazing to see you climb, climb, climb.

The baby in you is still present - STILL no teeth! - but when I look at you I see so much boy. A little boy with big brown-blue eyes, a huge (gummy) grin, musical laughter and a sing-song voice.

You are my joy, my world Noah...and I can't wait to show you all its wonders.

Love,

Mommy

xoxoxo

What I Want

What I want: A Peanut Buster Parfait from Dairy Queen

What I'll have instead: Sugar-free Jell-O cup (boo!)

Motherhood is Bullshit...

I wrote this some 7 months ago, when Noah was just a wee newborn and I was going out of my mind.

Motherhood is bullshit.

I have been betrayed by my sisters. I have been lied to, swindled!

I want my life back. I don't remember signing up for this. I don't remember saying: “Yes, please, take my freedom, my sanity and all sense of reason and replace it with a weepy, hormonal, flabby and exhausted person I don't even know.”

Oh they tell you it'll be hard, it won't all be wine and roses. Yeah, thanks, that's like saying giving birth is a little painful. It's more than hard, it's more than frustrating and it's the most un-fun I've ever experienced in my life.

All you assholes who told me it'd be worth all the hassle after “one smile”, are also full of shit. As charming as my baby's smile is, it certainly doesn't win me over at 3 a.m. - sorry.

The websites geared towards new moms, those too are bullshit. I hate the cutsie terms they use, like LO for Little One and DS for Dear Son and DD (they aren't for titties anymore) for Dear Daughter. For the life of me I couldn't find one single message board topic that complained about the real issues like exhaustion, feelings of helplessness, or regret. Gasp, heaven forbid if after the fifth time you get out of bed to comfort your completely-fine-baby you have feelings of regret over ever becoming a mom. How human of you!

Dear Noah - 36 Weeks

Dear Noah,

Hello my little boy with the big personality.

Today you are 36 weeks old - 9 months - you've been outside my body for as long as you were inside.

Where did this month go? You've changed so much that I can hardly keep up with these remarkable milestones that you're reaching and surpassing each day.

This month you've added a new word to your repertoire - "Baba" - which means bottle. We have tried not to use this word with you, constantly correcting ourselves, but you've somehow managed to pick it up anyway. Which means, I'm really going to have to start watching my mouth!

Soon after you spoke that word you said to me one night, "Baba Mama." Wow! A complete sentence!

You're crawling like a mad man now and trying so hard to stand on your chubby little gams. You walk fast if you have a hand or two to hold - doing the "model walk" as G-G calls it - almost stepping on your own feet.

You favourite game now is copycat - having Daddy and I copy your sounds back and forth.

Recently I taught you the joy of using your hand and your voice to make noise...like an Indian (but that's not politically correct to say Indian now, but that's the easiest way to describe it). We catch you sitting up in your crib before or after a nap using your fist to make that cute noise to entertain yourself.

Your demeanor is so loving and joyful. I've never met anyone quite like you my Little Noah, so happy and smily and giggly almost all of the time. Nor have I met anyone who's face lights up quite like yours does when I walk into a room - I know that's bound to change in the years to come!

At your last doctor's appointment you weighed 19 pounds 8 ounces and were 29.5 inches long - a far cry from the 8 pounds 6 ounces and 21.5 inches long you were nine (short) months ago.

You still sleep 12 hours a night (thank you), though with all the chatting and kicking you still do most nights, it's no wonder. You've also blessed us with two one-and-a-half hour naps a day (I love you!).

You eat a lot - I joke soon enough you'll be eating us out of house and home! You love food and this past month we've introduced rice husks (a dissolving cracker of sorts), Cheerios (though these are for babies and have no salt or sugar) and water in a sippy cup. You take quite a lot of pride in yourself for your new-found ability to put food in your own mouth, in your lap and on the floor.

I'll be going back to work soon. The single, non-mother part of me is looking forward to adult conversation and corporate responsibilities. The other (more emotional) part of me will miss you to bits and pieces. I'll miss the big and small parts of being with you day in and day out - the (brief) snuggles we have after a nap, the games we play, the walks together - I'll miss it all. You bring me more joy than you know.

I'm looking forward to this summer - taking you to the cottage; sticking your toes in Georgian Bay and sand in your mouth. It will be exciting to see nature for the second time around through your gorgeous grey-blue-brown eyes...

Love,

Mommy

xoxoxo

PS. You still don't have any teeth yet. I think it's one of the few things that make me believe that you aren't growing up as fast as you are.

Dear Noah - 32 Weeks

Dear Noah,

Hey there little monkey boy. You're now 8 months old and a busy little man for someone who can't even walk yet.

You're a real mover and a shaker always on the move on the go; gotta go over here, over there, kick your legs, squirm, jump, roll, bounce, reach, grab. No wonder you sleep nearly 12 solid hours a night (thank you!)...and nap twice a day (YAY!)

Sitting up on the floor has become your favourite activity. It's only in the last few weeks that you've been able to do that for long stretches at a time.

You're not crawling yet, but you pull yourself (Daddy call it your commando crawl) along then roll to your target, which has been my plants or shoes (especially my bright pink Crocs - they seem to be your favourite).

Standing and walking is also high up there on your list of favourites and things you want to do so badly. Because of this, your shoe collection has also expanded to include a wicked pair of orange and red shoes and a pair of orange sandals (you can guess who picked those out!).

I love taking you out to show you off in your stylish outfits that have included Rocca Wear with a matching pair of lime green sunglasses.

When you were just 7-months and 1-week old you said, "Mama", which actually sounded like "Mumum". You were crying for me, calling me and you still won't say it unless you're upset - and I love it!

We don't snuggle hardly at all anymore and it makes me a little sad, but you've started giving kisses (pressing your open mouth against my cheek) - so I guess that sort of makes up for it...okay, not really.

Going for walks has also been a new activity you've begun to enjoy now that the nice weather is here. You're very quiet and still during our walks; taking in everything. Sometimes you "ooh and ahh" at the world around you. Now I understand what parents mean when they said they're reliving their childhood through their children.

Still no teeth yet, but you're drooling up a storm and gnawing on pretty much anything you can put in your mouth.

Happy 8-month birthday Noah, you're changing and growing fast, faster than I thought you would. The joy you've been bringing me has increased a million times over since you were born.

You weren't a difficult baby, but you just being here, a helpless little person was enough to make things scary.

Being a first-time mom wasn't easy in the beginning. Although you may be a dad someday, you won't know exactly the kind of pressure a mom puts on herself.

But now that I've got the hang of this mothering thing, now that you and I interact and you know me and I know you, it's a piece of cake.

Everyone was right when they said it would get easier, that I would love being a mom eventually. It took some time. Took time to get to know each other, to grow, to understand and love one another. But we're here now, sweetie. Me and you and your Daddy, we're a family now. You made us a family. You made us whole. You completed something we didn't know we were missing until you came along.

No matter what happens in your life, no matter what you do, what you say or who you become, my love for you is unconditional. It has no bounds. Remember that always...

Love,

Mommy

xoxoxo

Dear Noah - 28 Week

Dear Noah,

Hello sunshine. You are now (lucky number) seven months old. Nearly a toddler, nearly a boy.

Your doctor, Doctor Chris Ibey said that you were perfect, he has no concerns with your development.

At your six month appointment, the one with the dreaded needles - the one that you handled like a trooper - your dad and I struggled not to brag about you.

We wanted to rant and rave about what a brilliant little person you you've become, that we're certain you're far above and beyond the development of a six month old.

And you are.

You try to walk now; have been for weeks now. To help you along, I bought you a pair of Converse-style shoes velcro straps.

Your tiny little hands grasp my fingers, as you shuffle one leg in front of the other. Sometimes you grin at Daddy or Auntie Keli, who's encouraging you to walk to them just a few steps ahead. Other times you cry in frustration; you're already like me, wanting to do it right, perfectly the first time.

We've noticed a tooth poking through your gums. It hasn't quite broken through, but your rosy cheeks indicate your not too far off from having your first tooth.

Your little personality is starting to shine through in a big way. You're a trickster, so smart and keen. If we leave your line of sight, you'll often whine or cry, but quickly forget about us if your favourite musical toy is within reach.

This last month you've taken to waking in the middle of the night, not for feeding any more (thank goodness), but for a chat with your "friends" in the inky darkness of your room. You coo, gurgle, gargle and squeal, raising your chubby legs straight in the air and let them fall with a thud on your bed.

You're a curious, nosey little man, so nosey in fact, that you fight sleep. Those gorgeous eyes of yours (fringed with long curling lashes) roll back in your head but fight with all your might to keep awake - in case you miss something.

Food has begun to rule your world and I love to watch you lean forward in your highchair, mouth wide (or lips pursed to slurp off the spoon) excited to eat. This month we've introduced green beans, mangos, granny smith apples and chicken to your diet - I've even snuck you a taste or two of Dairy Queen ice cream - a yummy treat.

Although you're changing rapidly, so quickly that I start writing these notes to you weeks in advance so that I can remember all you've done, I've been hanging on to what parts of you still remain my baby.

Most weekday mornings I now get up with you and have begun bringing a bottle with me. I call to you from the doorway: "Who's in here? Who's here?" You kick with excitement at the sound of my voice. Sometimes you cry, but you always reach out for me.

I pick you up and sit in your rocking chair and feed you. For a moment you're my baby again, you lie still in my arms, staring up at me in an innocent wonder, fingers curling around mine, or fisting my shirt in your hands. I whisper to you, songs, nonsense, love. I kiss your (still) fuzzy faux-hawk head, nuzzle your cheek against mine. I do that until your lips pull away from the bottle in a wide grin and you greet me with your good morning gurgle. It's now the best part of my day.

Love,

Mommy

xo

PS. Daddy wants me to tell you he says hi.