Dear Noah - 68 Weeks

Dear Noah,

Happy 2010!!

Of course, by the time you're old enough to read this and give a crap, it'll be waaaay past this date and you'll think I'm old and your Dad's ancient and you might be right, but we're still the coolest parents you'll have ever encountered and we're still the boss...okay, enough of that rant...

Welcome to a new decade my sweet boy.

So, about Christmas - it wasn't as exciting as I was hoping - I don't know what your dad thinks of how it went, but it was pretty low-key on the excitement scale.

Santa left you a red toboggan, a (rotary-style) telephone (I had one when I was little) and a Glockenspiel (not to be confused with a xylophone - even though that's pretty much what it is). You got the idea pretty quickly that those were your toys and you immediately pulled the toboggan out from under the tree and sat in it and then pulled it around with your other toys inside.

However, when it came to actually unwrapping presents, that was a new experience. You'd seen those colourful boxes under the tree for the last month and didn't touch them, so you had no idea what kind of goodies were inside. I had to show you how to rip and tear and the paper and you caught on pretty quickly, but lost interest in the whole experience almost immediately.

You were more into in having ME unwrap the toy or clothes - and even then you didn't really care about the things you'd received - you loved your toboggan too much - Mrs. Claus was one COOL cat to think Santa should bring you one of THOSE!

Christmas Day your Dad and I took you out with your toboggan and that too was a bit of a bummer. Albeit a funny bummer, but a bummer nonetheless. As much as you LOVE going outside, you hate the snowsuit you have to wear. And I don't blame you. You can barely walk and you (inevitably) fall on your face you can't get up. And as funny as it is, your Dad and I aren't that sick and twisted. So we spend a majority of our time with you outside picking you up off your face and brushing snow off your hands. You spend the time waddling around, falling and getting pissed off.

So anyway, we took you outside and sat you in your toboggan and pulled and you immediately fell backwards out of the sled. It was funny. You didn't cry. You just laid there looked up at us like: "WTF?"

So we tried again, showing you how to hang on to the handles. Which you didn't; so again you fell out.

Then I think your Dad had the brilliant idea to put you in on your tummy and we'd pull you that way and it worked - we even got a smile out of you - but you still weren't impressed. You wanted to pull the sled, not BE pulled. You're definitely a firstborn. Determined, stubborn and smart.

Your words are still few and far between, but your Great Nana taught you how to say "Santa" and "ta-ta" on Christmas Eve. Both of those words you whisper for some reason and it's SO cute!

You follow more and more direction - cleaning up your toys, putting your hat in the basket by the door, closing doors (still) and now dishwasher and fridge.

You know where all your body parts are and have even taken to a picture we have of your Great Papa and Bobby Orr.

"You kneel on all fours staring and pointing at the picture that sits on a bottom shelf.

Then you point. "Ah-dub, ah-dub, ah-dub."

And we say, "Where's Papa?" And you wave your little hand in front of his face. And then you lean over and give Papa a kiss. It breaks my heart a little to know that you won't REALLY know the man who is your namesake. But know that he was a wonderful soul, just like you. A kind-hearted man who LOVED to laugh and loved his family even more. He gave great hugs and I would love to wake up early at the cottage to listen to him strum a tune on his guitar and sing...I miss him still and I miss him more knowing you two will never know each other."

On a happier note, you're goofy personality is coming out more and more. You have this silly, squinty-eyed-cheesy-grin you give anyone who asks you: "Do you want to go downstairs?", "Do you want some milk/some berries?, "Do you want to go for a car ride?" You are easily pleased and sometimes, even easier to tick off. If you want it, you want it now - you have little patience (you get that from me) and you let us know whenever we've done something to displease his Majesty.

Here's hoping that 2010 brings you joy, joy joy and lessons and lots of learning and fun, fun fun!

You are a wonderment - Daddy and I learn from you - believe it or not. We learn how to teach you, we learn how to be parents (better parents!), and how to be better people, because of you.

Thank you Noah, you are Mommy's greatest teacher.

Love,

Mommy

xoxoxo

PS. I've significantly cut down on my swearing as a New Year's resolution, so you don't pick up any choice four-letter words...from ME at least!

Dear Noah - 64 Weeks

Dear Noah,

We're under two weeks away from your second Christmas! I'm excited for you. This is going to be super fun!

We've already went to visit Santa. One Saturday morning, Dad and I dressed you in my favourite overall outfit - with a red shirt and socks - and took you to Breakfast With Santa. We were told it would be best to visit Santa before we ate breakfast. There was no line-up, so we walked over, and I plopped you on his lap. And you instantly looked terrorized and then started to cry. It was funny, only because it was expected - I've yet to know a child who DOESN'T cry when he encountered Santa at your age. You spent the rest of the breakfast happily running around, pushing empty chairs and "meeting" other little people. When it was time to go, we got back in line and Daddy knelt next to Santa with you. You looked only a little scared but you reached out and touched Santa's furry coat.

We plan on taking you to see the Santa at the mall, to see if we can get a better picture, instead of the one we have where you're bawling your eyes out.

This past month you've learned where more of your body parts are - in addition to your penis - lol. Now you know where your belly button, ears and hair are, and sometimes you nose.

You give kisses - closed and open mouthed when asked and say the words "pea" and "baby".

Since we have a ton of snow you've gone outside a few times and experienced winter in all its glory. You look like a marshmallow man in your snowsuit as you waddle and fall and are unable to get up without help. There's nothing particular that you love about being outside in the snowy, cold weather - you certainly don't like eating snow - but do you love it. You've even brought me your boots and hat as a couple of times as your way of asking if we can go outside.

You're a very good boy - still! Dad and I have taught you to put away your toys and you listen (most) of the time. You have also had your first set of time-outs. You were throwing your food on the floor. No matter how many taps on the hand, "no's", "keep your food on the trays", or "stops" you kept doing it - very defiantly. So I picked you up, wiped your hands and face and put you in bed and closed the door where you instantly burst into tears. I hurt your feelings, you were so broken hearted. But it worked, you only did it once more (and one more time in time-out) and you learned your lesson. You're so smart!

Speaking of smart, your favourite book at the moment is "I am Blessed" and on one of the pages in the book has a puppy, a kitty, butterflies and bees and you can correctly point out all of them when asked. As well, you can point out the bear, boy and an orange kitty throughout the book. You're just BRILLIANT!

Your cousin Trek and his girlfriend Jenny visited with your (second) cousin Audrey this past weekend. You're nine months older than her, she's just six months old and my, my, you love her. You spent this morning kissing her head, patting her hands and just staring at her. Dad and I hope this loving behaviour will continue if you're a big brother some day. You were so sweet to her.

Your motor skills are off and running (like you)! You know eat with a spoon and fork with a little help. Once the food is on the utensil, you pretty well get it into your mouth easily...though there's usually a stray noodle, veggie or grain of rice that ends up in your lap or in your bib.

And even today - the day you turn 15 months old - you pulled yourself on to the (ugly) couch in our dinning room and were pleased as punch with your new accomplishment. So all day long that's what you've been doing, pulling yourself up and (with help and guidance) crawling down. Only a few times have you pitched yourself forward off the couch and on to the floor. All afternoon we've taught you to roll on to your tummy and slide yourself down until your feet touch the floor and we clap and you clap and you grin and grin and grin (your super-cute squinty-eye grin)!

You are a joy - pure and simple.

Love,

Mommy

xoxoxo

Dear Noah - 60 Weeks

Dear Noah,
Hello Sweet Face (I call you that all the time) along with Lovey-Loves, Sweet Pie and still Bubba Lou and Hammy-Hams, but not as much as I used to.
These letters are getting harder and harder to write, with work and you and daddy and the regular (un-fun) interruptions of life getting in the way.
It's also hard to condense one month worth of adventures and milestones when I feel like I've missed much of them by working...boo. Unless Daddy and I win the lottery, I'm afraid it's going to be like this...cést la vie.
So here we are, at 14 months old.
Where to begin. Well, I'll start by telling you that mid-October (last month) Dad and I took you to get the H1N1 vaccine. So much controversy surrounding it, when, it's just like the flu, really. We decided it was best for our family, best for you and could, save your life. You screamed for a grand total of 15 seconds, then were more interested in the wooden spiral toys on the wall in the clinic room - way to go!
I like joking with you when you cry: "Shake it off, Noah." lol
You also celebrated your second Halloween and were, a little confused as to what was exactly going on.
We took you to six houses - which included the Verstraten's and Granny's - and you didn't smile ONCE. Not once. You just furrowed your little brow, stared at everyone who "oohhed and ahhed" and were all like, 'geeze mom, this get up is lame and totally sucks.' You were a skunk, by the way. It was a great costume that I got for like $10.50 at Once Upon a Child - with a hat with a stripe down the top and fuzzy ears. The body part had a big tummy, red bow tie (omg!), and a striped tail! There were matching "feet" too! I painted your nose black and carried you to all six houses - daddy protected the candy.
These days you tear through the house like a whirlwind (I have a feeling I'm going to be saying that more than once in the coming years) and have an opinion and mind-set that comes out on occasion. Especially when the word, "no" is used.
You are a helpful boy. You love to close cupboards, the fridge, the freezer and any other open object. You love to hear "thank you" and "good boy."
You listen remarkably well (most of the time) when we do say no. You have yet to touch the fireplace downstairs, I think so far you understand that it's dangerous. I do expect you'll touch it eventually (much to your Dad's horror) just to see if what we've been saying all along is true.
You are a happy, joyful soul - still. You grin and smile and "chat" to anyone. Smiles comes so easily to you and I love that. Daddy and I live to make you laugh and smile.
Speaking of smiles. You've got two more teeth coming in - the top ones. Unlike the bottom ones that came in at the exact same time, your top right is half way through, while the other top tooth is just, peeking out.
You look so different with more teeth - lol - almost weird. And with that, we've also been brushing those little toofers. You're so good about letting Daddy or I brush first. You giggle and squirm and laugh - I guess it tickles your gums. And then it's your turn and you just chew on the toothbrush and suck all the toothpaste out of it.
Daddy and I have also taught you the art of the Eskimo kiss - you hold your head still (when you want to) and let us rub our nose against yours. It's adorable.
I can't wait for your second Christmas - just around the corner. I don't think you'll "get it", but I'm sure you'll have a TON of fun ripping the wrapping paper.
Love,
Mommy
xxoxoxo

Dear Noah - 56 Weeks

Dear Noah

Well my sweet, another month has (quickly!) come and gone, except this time, I haven't been with you. I haven't been with you for more than 2.5 hours during weekdays and boy, oh boy have I missed you! Desperately I miss you so much that when I finally go get you from Linda's and bring you home, I find myself rolling on the floor with you and tickling you and "eating" your armpits - it's one of the best parts about my day.

Time with you is even more precious, now that we're not together as often as we were, in the beginning. Now I don't mind (too much) carrying you around while I make dinner answering all your pointing "pshhht, pshhhts". Translation: "What's that mom?"

Now, the favourite part of my day is bedtime, but for a whole other reason. Before, it was because I needed to get to bed too, before I had to get up with you two or three times through the night. Now, I love to put you to bed so we can snuggle and sing.

You sit sideway in my lap, in the rocking chair we read a book or two or half-a-book, because sometimes you just flip, filp, flip the pages. Then I turn out your Noah's Ark lamp and by the glow of your baby monitor, I wrap my arms around you and rock and sing. Sometimes you sit up straight, looking at the monitor, smiling in the dark, tapping your open palm on my leg. Other times (I wish more often) you lay your head on my chest, I rest my chin on your downy-soft hair and kiss you and sing and smell your hair (it always smells good). During those times, I could sing all night long. I start with "Let it Snow" (it was the first song I sang to you when you were just two months old and you grin every time I sing it), followed by a number of other cheese-ball songs that you love - including the Discovery Channel's "Boom De-ah-da" song...

Up until recently, after songs, after cuddles, I'd lay you in bed, take your blankie and put it over you and you'd snuggle it close to your face and smile and coo. I'd leave the room and you'd blink, blink in the dark. Now, however - the last 3-4 nights - you scream and holler and cry your eyes out no matter what either Daddy or I do before we put you in bed. You've cried SO hard that I've gone into your room twice now - because it absolutely broke my heart - you whimper and moan with big alligator tears streaking down your chubby cheeks. I hold you for a while longer and sing more songs and still, I put you back into bed and you cry and cry these ANGRY, broken-hearted cries that tear me up...so I go downstairs or in the kitchen where I can't quite hear you and busy myself until you inevitably - some five minutes later - quiet yourself and blink, blink, blink in the dark...I have a feeling this is the start of what bedtime will be like when you get older...

We celebrated your second Thanksgiving (which really felt like your first) at the cottage and with our neighbours, the Verstraten's. You loved playing with your cousins Brianna and Mackenzie at the cottage and how they loved to crawl around on the floor with you and build towers you could destroy!

At the Verstraten's you ate like a perfect gentleman - all of the turkey, mashed potatoes (you love potatoes!), stuffing (a first - which you love, love, LOVED!), asparagus (surprise, you ate it all!), pickles (so juicy) and broccoli (eh, it was okay).

Halloween is right around the corner and you're going to be a sweet, stinky skunk, I can't wait to take you out and show you off!

Love,

Mommy

Dear Noah - 52 Weeks

Dear Noah,

Oh my sweet, sweet boy. Where have these last 365 days gone? Where did my newborn baby go?

I have mixed emotions about you finally turning the big ONE - it's truly bitter-sweet.

Because of my "baby blues" for a few months following your birth, I have regrets over missing the (hundreds) of moments I missed because I wasn't "present".

Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte makes me sad - silly I know - it reminds me of the handful of times your dad and I took you to sit on the patio with us when you were so tiny and I was so sad. That in turn reminds me of when GG came to take care of me, cook for us and coach me through the darkest days...despite the brilliance you brought to our lives, I couldn't see it...not then.

I don't think I can find the words to express how deeply sorry I am for not holding more - especially now, since you don't want to be held - for not loving you enough.

I'm hoping for the rest of my years I can make up for those months we lost...

The morning of your birthday I went into your room and sang 'Happy Birthday' - it was hard to sing, I was getting choked up...but you were so sunshiny happy it was hard to be wistful and sad.

For your birthday we had a big party - with 30 of our family and friends who came over to our house to celebrate the day you came into this world. You had so much fun, toddling around the living room or on the back deck while Daddy barbecued. You received TONS of presents - lots of trucks - and a few outfits (with overalls! Mommy loves little boys in overalls!)...what a spoiled little boy you are!

I made chocolate cupcakes with blue icing and you LOVED the icing - not surprised - but just picked at the cupcake.

We were all exhausted after the big bash - you napped for nearly 2 hours - and I went for a rest too!

These past 52 weeks have been riddled with ups and downs, but, obviously, mostly ups - the highest of highs, the best of the bestests is what you've brought to mine and daddy's life.

We can't get enough of your giggles, your kisses, your (mostly gummy) smile or your "Mum-Mums" and "Da-das"...you're like the most wonderful drug, the most wonderful high we've ever been on (SAY NO TO DRUGS!).

Your personality it bursting with an inquisitiveness that boggles my mind, with a yearning to touch, taste, drop, pinch, shake, push, and smell (like mommy) EVERYTHING...and when we say "no", you smile and do it anyway...you bugger. But I can't really blame you, this world and everything in it IS completely new to you.

We've spent a few adventurous days at the cottage and you've loved every moment, as I hoped you would. You love pushing an old train - that Uncle-Cousin Ray Ray got on his first birthday - around the cottage or on the grass. You love the water, waving your little hand or pulling me deeper and deeper...no fear...none.

You're eating everything now and loved your first taste of GG's homemade pesto - woah, you love that stuff! You also loved the spaghetti I made, so much so you wanted seconds!

Speaking of food, you were - thankfully - off the bottle weeks before your birthday...I was so proud of you, but sad at the same time. Check another milestone off the list, add another check to the Boy Category.

Every day I see a little less baby and a little more boy in your (still) grey-brown-blue eyes. The roundness of your face and the overall baldness of your head has been replaced with the Johnson pointy chin, a full head of dirty blonde hair, long eye lashes and two bottom teeth.

Happy first birthday, Noah. May you have many, many, many more celebrations and live a long, happy life full of big joys and little sorrow. May you continue to be inquisitive and yearn to know everything about this big, giant world.

Mommy loves you, now, always and forever.

"As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."

Love,

Mommy

xoxox

365 days ago...

On the eve of Noah's first birthday I can't help but reflect on where I was and what I was doing at this time, one year ago.

I was at the West Parry Sound Health Centre, it was a Friday and I was being induced.

Probably around now, Tony and I were walking the halls. From my labour room, past the permanent "residents", past the little coffee shop, to the front doors and back. I would stop every now and again - contractions - I'd rub my belly, lean on Tony and groan.

I sent my Mom home at around 12:30 a.m.

Tony and I settled into the tiny, single bed ready to "rest".

I remembered I hadn't taken out my contacts. I got out of bed, stood up and my water broke all over the floor.

"Call the nurse," I said and bolted to the toilet.

Tony called the nurse, then called my Mom.

That's when things got rocking and rolling.

All through the long (and lonely) night, I was in hard labour.

A wet face cloth on my forehead, in my mouth between my teeth, on my face, on my arms, was my friend. I remember gripping and pulling on the plastic handles of the bed, sure with the next one I'd rip the sucker right off.

I moaned and breathed - I remember the nurse coming in at one point saying: "I'm going to have to get to you slow your breathing down." Fuck you, I wanted to say.

It wasn't until about 3 a.m. that I asked for something. When they offered me an epidural or morphine, I was surprised.

I opted for morphine, something to take the "top" off the contractions. It seemed to take FOREVER for my doctor to get his ass into my room and okay the drugs and by the time they gave it to me, it took doubly forever for it to kick in.

I don't remember much else of that night or day, just sleeping - dozing actually - through each contraction, some that came back to back to back to back.

By 10 a.m. the next morning - Saturday, September 13 - my doctor checked me and said I was okay to start pushing.

And fucking...push...I...did...for FIVE hours.

That's right. Five. Hours.

I pushed on my back, on my hands and knees. I pushed squatting on the floor...with my feet nearly behind my ears...I was a pushing machine!

But alas, it was all in vain. Something was wrong. Noah was in the wrong placement at the right time.

Facing sideways, facing up - I don't remember - but whatever way he was facing, it was wrong for exiting my vagina.

And when the doctor could do no more - after trying to vacuum him out and accidentally breaking a blood vessel (that required a stitch and me screaming at him "WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!) and giving me horrifyingly strong petocin - he told me I would have to have a c-section.

A. C-section.

And then I cried.

I cried and my Mom left the room.

I cried into to Tony's arms - sobbing, choking...wracking sobs of defeat, exhaustion and disappointment.

But by the time they wheeled me into the operating room - some 30 minutes to an hour later - my tears had dried and I was EXCITED...but scared.

There I lay on my back, being rolled into a cold, bright, white room with huge lights - I thought I was dying.

My doctor numbed me from the waist down and I was hooked up to a dozen machines.

I asked for good music, made jokes about the junky classical they had playing and told my doctor that I forgot I was getting a baby out of this...

And a baby I did.

As soon as I heard the wee boy's cry, I looked at Tony and we both began to cry.

Noah was taken to a table just beyond my view and I could barely choke out the words, telling Tony to leave me and go to him.

He cried and cried my little boy, but as soon as they brought him to me, and he heard my voice say, "you're so BIG!" he stopped.

Happy first birthday my special, wonderful, captivating one.

It's been one heck of a year.

Stephannie's Bucket List

Eventually, I hope to have 100 items on this list, but for now, here's what I've come up with:

#1 Go horseback riding. I've never gone - unless you count those crappy pony rides at fall fairs

where they go around, and around, and around.

#2 Go scuba diving. I used to have dreams that I could actually breathe underwater...this would be as close as I'll get to that dream!

#3 Eat in an Gordon Ramsey restaurant - in Europe, New York, Las Angles - who cares - I WANT TO EAT HIS FOOD...

#4 Breastfeed - successfully. It may sound like a waste of room on a Bucket List, but it's something I regret not being able to do with Noah...so next time around(s), I'd like to give it the old college try - again.

#5 Publish a book/novel. As long as I've been writing (my Mom says since I was a kid), I've wanted to write a book. I don't even care if it's well-loved - though for the dream to come full circle I'd have to be on the New York Times Bestseller list - I just want to do it...someday...

More to come...