Dear Noah - Independent You

Dear Noah,

You don't need me anymore.

You are a little more than two-and-a-half-years-old and you have already broken my heart. I wasn't expecting to be so disposable, so soon.

You are supremely independent; the phrase of the last few months is: "No Mommy, no, I do all. my. self."

Yes sweetheart, you do do most everything all yourself. You feed yourself, get yourself dressed, get up into your chair, go to the potty, clean your hands, face...the list is endless.

Not only do you not need me anymore, but there are times as if I feel as if you'd live a contented life if I wasn't around.

One night I asked your Daddy if boys REALLY do need their Moms. If Moms are REALLY that important since Daddies really seem to rule their world and Moms are just, well, the ones that demand hand-washing, manners, picking up after yourself, rules, rules, rules.

Your Daddy laughed at me, of course, and assured me that boys DO need their Moms - for what, I'm not exactly sure - other than to nurture (which you rarely want or need unless you're hurt), to be your soft place (you ALLOW me the privilege to hug you when you feel like it), and to be your womanly influence ("Mommy has gina.").

This Mommy is looking for where she fits in your world since playing cars (gag) and playing cars (OMG) and playing more cars (puh-lease!) is all you want to do these days - even though I encourage other activities like colouring (YES), Playdough (woot!) and arts and crafts (awesome!).

Although I marvel at your brilliance - you know your ABCs, can count to 15, have almost mastered the elusive potty and a HOST of other talents - I miss that toddler who called me his favourite, who wanted more from me than a cup of juice or to play (DREADED) cars.

And I want to say that all of this was to be expected, I fully expected and knew the day would come when you wouldn't want or need me very much anymore, but I didn't know it would make me so sad. I didn't know watching you grow from a newborn, to an infant, to a toddler, to now a boy would crush me so.

You are a wondrous little man, Noah. I am proud of the boy you're turning into - the kind boy who has a shy streak, but is also heart-warmingly outgoing and friendly to strangers saying, "Hello!"

Just do Mommy a favour, when you read this, when you're all big and grown, that you'll gimmie a few more hugs and kisses now and then...I'll probably miss them as much then as I do now.

Love,

Mama

xox

Dear Sebastian - Week 2

Dear Sebastian,

Eight weeks have past since you came into our lives and as the time goes by, you're reminding me on a daily basis that you are your own person - more accurately, nothing like your big brother.

Okay, not entirely true, you are similar in demeanor in some ways, but completely different in others.

When you were first born, you loved to be snuggled, loved to sleep on my chest - heck, anyone's chest - and while this is still true to some extent, you have very particular ways about how and where you will and will not sleep - and it cracks me up.

(Most times) you demand to be swaddled in your Woombie (God's greatest gift I'm certain), now whether there's another blanket wrapped around you or just draped over you, it doesn't really matter. But after the swaddle you also want to eat - even if you've just eaten, you'd like a little more (again, most times) - enough to fall asleep. Now WHERE you are put to sleep after that is all about your preference that day - most of the time it's in your own darkened room, but as of late (oddly enough) it's on the couch amongst the chaos and noise of our house.

I swear, once I think I've learned YOUR rules, you change them on me just for fun(?) for spite(?) to keep me on my toes(?)...you are SUCH a Midder...which is your nickname by the way - it started our as Mister-Mister in the hospital, that turned into Midder and can now be shortened to The Mitts or Mitts - don't ask me, it's just the way I roll.

You are the most serious of babies my dear Sebastian. I've heard of babies like you, the ones that eye everyone knowingly, as if they are far beyond our baby talk, as if they'd much rather we discuss the laws of the universe and politics than pester them with our sing-song voices - that is YOU. Your smiles are rare (but are becoming more and more frequent) and when you do grace us with one of those gummy grins - it usually has nothing to do with what we're doing or saying - you just smile when you feel like it. And can I say, since my baby experience is quite limited, I find your stingy delivery of smiles unsettling. I don't know when your happy, only to guess you must be if you're not crying. But then again, you've begun to chatter - you've begun to coo and gurgle and within those coos are half-smiles and amused eyes that keep me going and telling myself that I MUST be doing SOMETHING right.

Now that you've been here for two months, you and your brother are becoming more acquainted - he's no longer just tolerating you, he actually has begun to LOVE you.

When you're out of his sight, Noah often says, "Where's baby brother?" Or if you cry, he says, "Baby brother okay." And he's even started to call you by your name - lol - something we'd worry he'd NEVER do. You are his Baby Basa...he is protective of you, rocking your chair if you cry and so loving - kissing your fuzzy head goodnight.

He forgets to be gentle sometimes, but his intentions are kind. I hope the trend continues - it'll probably stall when you start crawling and "stealing" is precious cars.

Love,

Mama

xoxo

Dear Noah - New Big Brother

Dear Noah,

Well, well...I'm not sure where to begin, my wee boy. This has been quite the experience these last two weeks. And I wish I had more positive things to say, but damn child, you are not taking the adjustment period to your new brother very well. Now don't get me wrong, everyone says your behaviour is completely normal - typical in fact, but it is in no way pleasant for anyone.

I myself am at a loss of what to do. Your Dad on the other hand - bless him - has the patience of a Saint for your constant whining, tantrums, outright disobedience, and general unpleasant behaviour.

On more than one occasion I've had to remind myself that you are only 2, you don't have the vocabulary to tell us you're probably scared that your little brother is going to take your mommy and daddy away; that we'll love him more and you less...and that you might just be generally pissed that you have to share the spotlight with someone else. But above all, I have to remind myself not to take your lashing out as a personal attack on me, my parenting and the decision we made to bring a new person into our family.

Aside from this major bump in our and your world, you've been a very sweet and caring brother when you've wanted to be. I understand that as of now, your brother is pretty boring - he doesn't do much, or interact with you other than looking at you. But on your own, I've seen you go over and kiss him on the head or rub his fuzzy hair or even just look at him and it warms me to know that there's some sort of a relationship starting there; one that I hope in time will grow.

Even though by the time you'll read this, you'll likely be a man, and all this will be behind us, I still want you to know, what I've always told you over and over - that you're Mommy and Daddy's favourite Noah of all. No one will ever, in a million years replace you - we love you just the same as we did before your brother came along - maybe even MORE because now we have double the love to go around.

You were the first one, the one that MADE me a Mommy, taught me to love unconditionally and that's pretty darn special - just like you are to us.

Love you to the moon and back.

Love,

Mommy

xooxxo

Dear Sebastian - Week 1

Dear Sebastian,

Welcome to the world my sweet boy.

You're one, whole, giant, big week old.

It's been a whirlwind since you came along last Friday morning at 9:19 a.m. and there's so many things I want to tell you about these last seven days, but mostly, I wanted to tell you how blissfully different this has been for us all.

Unfortunately first-time motherhood was hard for me and was compounded by PPD, but after receiving therapy, it was smooth sailing for your brother and I, but I always felt as if I had missed out on and wasn't present for the first weeks of his life.

This time around, there was...nothing. Nothing but LOVE. An INSTANT, intense, warm, all-consuming LOVE for you that I didn't have right away the first time.

It was, it IS still strange. It's strange to love you as completely and simply as I do.

And the funny thing is, that love for you has expanded and flowed over onto your brother and your Daddy.

Although I knew that things were better, I knew that the therapy kicked PPD's derrière, I got to feel, see, hear just how awesome motherhood is "supposed to be" (for me).

It's as if I'm really, SEEING what I didn't and couldn't before and what a sight it is.

I have taken every opportunity I can to HOLD you and kiss your sweet face, hands, feet, neck. I RELISH in sleeping with you on my chest and you squeaks, squawks and kitten-like cries. I've made up a song for you - a silly ditty - that I sing often about how I love your "big blue eyes, and your pretty mouth..." and your early nicknames are Marvin (as in Starvin' Marvin) and Mr. Wiggles.

I'm enjoying every part of this journey, that hasn't been bogged down with fear, doubt or depression and I've actually cried on more than one occasion because I'm just so happy.

That's not to say it's been perfect, we are, after all we are integrating a new little person into our family and it's a lot of work!

I've worried how your brother, who's had 100% of Mommy and Daddy's attention would deal with someone else who needs attention too, but thus far he's done so well and loves you in his own two-and-a-half year old way.

So welcome to our noisy, laughter-filled, crazy home. You've made our family complete and given me the opportunity to really FEEL what motherhood can and should be, thank you.

Love,

Mama

xoxox

Dear Baby #2 - 37 Weeks

Dear Baby Mac,

I have so many things I want to say to you, but forgive me baby, it's like writing to an anonymous pen pal who's been living in my house, but our only form of communication over the last 37 weeks has been pokes, nudges and kicks.

I feel like I KNOW you, yet I don't. I've seen you, but haven't really SEEN you - other than those grainy, black and white images of your various body parts where I'm forced to use my imagination. I've heard you, you're tiny, strong heart, but, of course, I haven't really HEARD you. It's a lot of mind games and trickery, but for you - you probably know me better than I know you.

You know my voice, your Daddy's and brother's voice, my heartbeat - you probably sense how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking...strange really, if I think about it...

You're nearly cooked, nearly ready to make your grand entrance on February 28 (maybe?!) - but it could be any day, really. Up until then, it's your decision when you'd like to come out into the world - I've told you that more than once. My bags are packed baby, so you just say the word and you can blow my uterus and we'll welcome you with open (cuddly) arms.

And cuddle you I will - and thank GOODNESS I'm your Mommy, because that means I get dibs on you.

When people used to hold your brother for too long (in my opinion) I used to say, "Um, can I have my baby back?" Sharing you is something I don’t necessarily have to do...all the time anyway.

As I've said before, I suspect (unless someone else has other plans) that you'll be my last baby so I've done my best to enjoy this experience; and believe me, it hasn't been without its pains - literally and figuratively, but obviously, worth every second.

I know being the little brother will, at times, be challenging for you – as it is for any younger sibling. You’ll want to probably grow up faster, just so you can do things like your big brother. You’ll want to emulate him, copy everything he does, have what he has and he may, at times, not be too keen on that I’m afraid. But you too are your own little person and I hope that you can always love who you are.

And although this time around I'm prepared - there's less terror and more excitement - I know what to expect for the most part, I still am a little scared. I’m scared that I will treat the two of you differently in a negative way…that you or your brother will grow up saying, “You loved him MORE than ME! He was your FAVOURITE!”

Don't get me wrong, I WANT to treat you differently – because you are different people – but in ways that help you both grow at your own speed and on your own paths.

Using my womanly influences, I hope to raise you both to be strong, confident, level-headed men; who have a sensitive side (chicks dig that), can cook a GOOD meal (Kraft Dinner doesn’t count), do laundry and remember to be chivalrous.

And above all, I hope your Daddy and I raise two healthy, happy, happy, happy boys that know no matter what, our arms are the safest place on earth. Just like your GG used to say to me all the time, “There is NOTHING on earth that you could EVER do that could make me stop loving you.”

Yes, at times I may be disappointed, embarrassed or even angry, but our love is always, ALWAYS there for both of you – we will love you no matter what.

We’ll see you in a few weeks Sweetpea.

Love,

Mama

xoxoxo

Dear Baby #2 - 21 Weeks

Dear Baby #2,

I have taken so long to write to you for the shame...oh the shame of you NOT being a girl like said you were, and hoped you were if only for the cute clothes and for the chance to be right...lol.

And no, Baby#2 you are NOT a girl. And after my 10 minutes of disappointment - because I was indeed wrong - I was/am over-joyed with the thought of you!

I hesitate even to say that I had a moment of disappointment, for fear that you'll read this years and years later and say, "See, I KNEW IT! You wanted a girl all along!"

But my dear, sweet little boy - it was just for the clothes you see and the chance to decorate a room entirely pink - that's all - lol.

And really, who gives a crap about clothes and colour-schemes? If I so desperately want to paint a room pink, I'll paint the inside of your father's beloved shed pink. lol

Now back to Mommy being over-joyed...I'm over-JOYED knowing that you will have a brother, you will BE brothers! And that's a bond that surpasses that of a brother and sister, I think.

Never-mind that, I know how insanely I love your brother, how could I NOT love you with that same fire...pffft, I can and I already do!

We chat you and I. We have conversations. And I talk about what I hope I can be for you and how I hope that you can teach your brother to share and maybe, be a little gentler.

I tell you I love you all. the. time. I want you to know from the get-go that you are Mommy's shining star. You are just the shiz. Totally.

You're starting to kick more often now - daily - but usually when I'm sitting where I am now - typing away at the computer. Maybe you'll love to write, like me. And read like Daddy and I. Or maybe you'll be a computer genius - or a garbage man, we don't care...as long as it's legal and you love what you do...then go for it.

You're about 11 inches now, from head to toe and weigh 3/4 of a pound...and we're more than half-way there now, baby - and can I just say (once again) how I (we) are SO excited to meet you!

I want to see who you look like - Mommy, Daddy or Noah. Or none of the above, how cool would THAT be?

I want to know YOU! Oh so bad...

Your brother and I talk about you too. And when I mention the baby in mommy's tummy he says, "help, help." Because I've told him that if he wants to, he can help feed you, and dress you, and give you bathes and kisses and hugs...he totally doesn't get it, but I think it will just be PRICELESS when you two finally meet in four months or less.

He also kisses my tummy and says, "Baby kick." Because I told him you were at one point.

I've picked out new bedding for your room and we plan to re-paint it...I was adamant "another boy" or not, you would have your own room - whether it matters to you or not, it mattes to ME.

So, it's the end of October, 2010 now, we'll see you in a little bit more than four months and daddy and I can't wait. Noah would be excited too - if he understood who was coming.

Love,

Mama

xoxoxoxo

Dear Baby #2 - 16 weeks

Dear Baby,

You're 16 weeks today - five inches long from head to bum and kicking and thrashing up a storm.

Mommy hasn't been well with you for the last few months and it's purely my own doing. I want you to know that I've done what I can so far to ensure that you have the healthiest start possible, despite this little set back.

So seeing as things so far, haven't gone according to plan, I spent $65 on a fetal heart monitor. The best money I've ever spent.

Although your daddy was initially excited (or humouring me) when it came in the mail - he now thinks I'm officially nuts, I'm sure.

I bought the monitor for several reasons, but the main one is because now I can hear you whenever I'm scared. I can put the goopy blue gel on my steadily growing tummy and find that little heartbeat - I could listen to it all day.

I find it and I smile and I talk to you and you inevitable squirm or shift away and I search for the heartbeat again - it's a fun game we play. I tell your daddy, "I'm just waiting for the baby to run out of room to move in there, then he/she can't get away from me!"

So I listen to you more than a few times in an evening, but now that your movements are becoming more regular - more than once or twice a day - I'm less scared, because I know that you're okay in there - you're growing and kicking and listening to us on the outside here.

Since this week you've sprouted ears that now hear, Daddy's been talking to you all the time -just like we did to your brother. He knew our voices from the moment he came out - we hope for the same for you.

I also wanted to tell you something that I think is so special - that only you and I have experienced.

With your brother, although I was excited, there was this more, predominate feeling, which was fear - fear of the unknown.

Now that I know, mostly, what to expect - I am beside myself with excitement to meet you!

And those people who say that the second pregnancy isn't as thrilling as the first, are crazy. I'm even MORE excited - I've got blankets picked out, hats I want to make you - all these plans in my head. I look at all the baby-related websites to see how big you are each week, what's new, how you're growing and changing.

I just wanted you to know, no matter how you fall into place in this family, first, second, third - whatever - this is an exciting time for everyone!

Love,

Mama

xoxox